In Soviet Russia
by americalovesthecockpit
Summary: NON-CON. Russia is creeping on America hardcore. America is not amused. This is actually supposed to be a humor story so enjoy my ticket to hell!


**NON-CON WARNING**. This story contains rape. And not only that, but it's actually supposed to be a humorous story. So if you find rape/ rape humor offensive in any way, DO NOT READ.

SERIOUSLY. THIS IS YOUR WARNING.

… okay, we good? Just us sick fucks left? Alright, proceed.

(America's POV.)

X

I had just gotten out of the shower, and was standing in front of the mirror. Looking at myself naked. And asking the age old question:

If I was the opposite sex, would I do me?

I glanced my hot sexy body over, and concluded, yes. If I was a chick and saw a guy who looked like that, I'd be all over it.

Then I thought … if I was the _same_ sex, would I do me?

I glanced over myself again, because I could never get enough of it, and concluded HELL YES. I would go gay for myself. Because I am that hot, you guys.

I kept looking myself over, running my hands over myself, turning around and looking over my shoulder at my ass, then turning back and thinking about how sexy I am. Everything about me. I got a fine ass, handsome face, nice pecs, killer abs, my package is … hmm.

I realized then how long it'd been since I, uh, trimmed the hedges so to speak. How do I put this delicately … it looked like I was squeezing a blond guinea pig between my legs. My balls were really hairy, THERE I SAID IT.

And the area around my balls, too.

NO MATTER! I could fix this issue. I grabbed my razor and my can of shaving cream. OH NOES! It was empty. Well, I damn sure wasn't gonna do this dry. That would razor burn the hell out of my balls and then I'd get those little red bumps and it'd look like I had some godawful VD. No, I needed something …

Oh, yeah! I have whipped cream! They look the same. Just as good, right?

So I went to the kitchen and found some. PSSSSSSSHHHH! said the can when it sprayed some into my mouth. Come on. You didn't think I wasn't gonna have a taste? Please. But finally I pried it away from my mouth and aimed it at my balls. Then it said PSSSSSHHHH! again, and they were covered white.

"La la la, shave shave shave," I sang as I started.

Then I got distracted by the TV in my kitchen. Yeah, I was doing this in the kitchen, WHAT OF IT? It's where I found the whipped cream. It's my house, I'll do what I want. Sure, Tony was in the room just chilling, and my whale was there watching like o_o but it's whatever.

But then SUDDENLY on the TV came on a commercial that got my attention. It was one of those Burger King ones with the King guy. You know? The one with the costume with the really big head? And the guy in the commercial wakes up with the King because they're serving breakfast now or something. I got distracted because I couldn't help but think damn, that guy probably had sex with the King for some burgers.

I don't think I could do that. Not for just a couple burgers. I mean, if it was like a lifetime supply, yeah I could see that. But not just like a meal or two. I mean, come on. I like burgers, but I'm not a _whore._

Then I realized I had broken my concentration because my hand slipped.

"OH SHIT I CUT MY BALLS!"

I had cut my balls, if you hadn't deduced that already.

"CRAAAAAP! THIS HUUUUURTS!" I exclaimed because the pain was beyond descriptions. The balls are a very tender place!

I was grabbing a crap ton of paper towels, because there was a fair amount of blood. It was running down my thigh. I pressed a wad of the paper towels against it, trying to get it to stop, but it soaked through.

"MY BAAAAALLLLLLSSSSS!" I wailed.

Okay, it was just _one _of my balls, but still. I really sliced it.

And my whale was still just staring at me like o_ _ _ _ _ _o

I ran to the bathroom, still holding the paper towels to my crotch to keep from dripping blood on my carpet. I did NOT want to explain that to any house guests.

'Oh, what are these red stains on the carpet?' 'Oh, you know, testicle blood from where I cut open one of my nuts during a shaving mishap, the usual'

I don't think that would go over very well!

I threw open my medicine cabinet, digging for the rubbing alcohol. I found it but decided that would burn like hell so I skipped it. Instead I just grabbed my SpongeBob print band-aids and slapped one on my cut nut.

There! Good as new!

I said that proudly, tears streaming from my eyes. I had to believe it :'D

As I turned around to leave the bathroom, I jumped.

"GAAHHHH!"

Russia was standing there. Right in my doorway. Just staring. And smiling. And staring.

Oh, and by the way, I was still completely naked. I hope you didn't forget that important detail.

"Have an accident?" he asked, still smiling.

"WHAT THE FUCK!" I exclaimed as I flailed around for something to cover myself with. "RUSSIA GET THE HELL OUT OF MY HOUSE WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU EVEN DOING HERE OH GOD YOU SAW ME CUT MY BALLS DIDN'T YOU? !"

"Da," he said, so calmly it was eerie. And I was still flailing around trying to cover up. "There is towel on floor behind you."

"Oh, really? Good!" I turned around and bent over to pick it up.

When I heard Russia chuckle "Hehehe" I knew that bending over with my ass turned to him was a bad idea.

I quickly turned back around, towel around my waist. "You did that on purpose!"

"Hehe. View is nice!"

GRRRR! Russia is such a trickster!

"Seriously, what the hell are you doing at my house?"

"Spying."

"Spying? Dude, the Cold War is over. I won. GET OVER IT."

"Not for Cold War. I just enjoy spying."

"Whaaaaaat …"

"I like to watch." And then he went ^J^

Which made me feel all kinds of creeped out.

"It is hobby," he said. "France has cooking. England has needlepoint. You have shaving testicles. I have spying."

I was full of such anger, you guys! First off, shaving balls is NOT a hobby of mine. I don't even do it that often. I don't get laid enough to care. I mean, it should have been pretty obvious I hadn't shaved in a while, considering how hairy they were. In fact, part of them still were, because I didn't finish the job. Which meant I had patchy hairy balls and …

SHIT. I just realized I put a band-aid over the hairy part and that is gonna hurt like a bitch when I have to take it off. Nothing worse than getting your shorthairs pulled and ripped off, jeez!

"Russia, get the hell out of my house before I get my gun."

"Very well. I leave."

What was with that weird dark haze around him … WTF … this is a non-smoking household!

"Sleep tight tonight, America," said Russia, smiling like a creeper. "So tight. I imagine you tight. Goodnight!"

Umm …

That night I slept on my back, curled up with a gun like it was a teddy bear.

"There, there, Mr. Gunny …" I said, petting my gun and darting wide eyes around in the dark. "I-It'll be okay …"

X

The next day there was no sign of Russia. So I spent the day derping around on the Internet.

Derping around turned to dicking around, and pretty soon I decided it was fapping time. Don't judge me, you guys. I'm sure you fap on the Internet too. I do believe it was the wise and honorable Trekkie who said those hallowed words, "The Internet is for porn." Indeed, my big brown friend. Indeed.

So there I was, sitting at my desk, watching my laptop, and jacking off to amputee porn. Normally that's not my thing - in fact, I didn't even know it _was_ a thing. I'd meant to type 'chubby porn' because I'm a bit of a chubby chaser at times and when there's an itty bitty waist and that round thing in my face I get SPRUNG. (I like back, you guys.) Sir Mix a Lot had it right. God I miss him. Rest in peace, Sir.

Anyway I meant to type 'chubby porn' but my finger slipped and I typed 'nhubby porn' which Google said to me "Did you mean NUBBY porn?"

And I said NO I DIDN'T GOOGLE, GOSH, STOP CORRECTING ME. But I clicked anyway, and yeah. All kinds of pr0ns with people with nubs and stumps for limbs. I was just gonna look for a minute because I was like "PFFT WUT" but then I just kept looking and looking and before I knew it I had a boner!

Welp, porn is porn, am I right?

I grabbed the lotion, pulled down my pants, and went to town on myself. I was all alone so I really let loose. Tony and the whale weren't around, I dunno where they were, but they weren't in my room. So I didn't hold back.

"OH YEEEAH!" I said to my laptop. "You get that quadruple amputee good! Fuck yes! Ah, AH! Fuck yeah!"

I was spanking it pretty good. I was stroking so hard I was gonna cum as soon as I started so I backed off, hastily clicking around for moar pr0n. I found some more and leaned back in my computer chair.

"Oh?" My left hand was suddenly trying to get in on the action. "You wanna join too?" I grabbed a hold of my cock with my left hand. "All riiiiight … feels like someone else, hehe."

So then I started jerking it with my left hand.

STROKE STROKE STROKE.

It was getting intense. Sweat was dripping down my forehead. Instead of staring intently at the screen like I had been, I squeezed my eyes shut, running sexy images through my head, still listening to the moans and groans from the video. My right hand took over again, and my left hand settled for rubbing my balls. Ooh, whoops, just kidding, LOL. I forgot I cut them up. It stung when I accidentally hit it over the band-aid.

But no matter. I was about to cum, and I didn't have the willpower to stop myself again.

I arched back in my chair. "Oh, oh!"

Then I came hard into a crumpled Subways napkin, because I was out of paper towels.

I sighed heavily when it was over. I relaxed, leaning back in the chair. I happened to glance up, and then I FLIPPED THE FUCK OUT.

Because there was a small hole cut in my ceiling. And Russia's face was staring at me through it like :D

And I was like FFFFFFFFFFFFUUUU

"What the hell are you doing? !" I yelled as I scrambled to cover myself.

"Watching."

I stood up but fell to the ground, because I forgot my pants were around my ankles and I tripped over them. So then I was on my stomach, with my bare ass in plain view.

"Hehehe," giggled Russia, and I could feel his eyes staring at my ass. "I enjoy!"

"Yeah, I bet you do …" I muttered as I finally managed to stand and pull my pants up.

"Aww," he pouted. "You take away eye pleasure."

"UGH! How long have you been up there? !"

"I stay all night."

I shuddered. The attic was above my room. He'd cut a hole through the bottom of the attic to watch through. The thought of Russia spending all night in my attic … watching me … creeping on me … probably pleasuring himself while staring at my sleeping, vulnerable body … oh dear God …

Russia was smiling creepily. "I like show."

"You watched me jack off, didn't you? !"

"Mmm!" he said happily. "I want you to be _my_ Subway napkin."

I grabbed my 12 gauge Mr. Gunny and cocked him. "Out. NOW."

"Tsk! So violent!"

I aimed for his head. "I wasn't asking."

Russia gave one last, long creepy stare at me before his head slowly disappeared. I heard footsteps down and out of the attic, down the hall, down the stairs, through the living room, and out of the front door.

"Phew," I said, sighing, then stroked Mr. Gunny. "We're safe now, Mr. Gunny. I love you."

"KYOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Oh fudge!" I exclaimed. Pardon my language. "I recognize that sound!"

I ran downstairs and found Tony and my whale huddled in the corner of the living room. They were trembling and looked scared outta their minds.

"Tony? Whaley? Oh my God, what's wrong?" I asked them. "Did Russia hurt you? !"

"KYOOOOOOO!" my whale wailed again. LOL homophones.

"Aww, come here!" I leaned down and hugged both of them. "Oh, you poor things! Don't worry, he scares me too, but I'll protect you!"

"Mooooo," said Whaley as he (she? LOL I dunno) hugged me back.

Don't you laugh at this scene because it is heart wrenching and serious and you should be reaching for your Subway napkins to wipe away your tears. And if you don't you're one heartless person!

"I love you guys," I said, still hugging them. "And don't worry, Whaley. Your blowhole is safe with me around."

My whale was like O_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _O

X

That night I had a dream. But unlike Martin Luther King's, it took place at the shower room at the YMCA.

I was washing myself, like scrub-a-dub-dub! I was all happy and soaping up and humming that Village People YMCA song. Then suddenly I was like OOPS! because the soap slipped out of my hand and fell on the shower floor.

Then I was like LOLOLOLOL. Because I thought about how if I wasn't alone, that'd be quite scary! You know that cliché? You drop the soap? And you get butt raped? Yeah.

But I just laughed as I bent over to pick it up. Because I was sure I was alone.

Well, I _had_ been. But this was a dream, and dreams don't make sense.

Because then Russia was right behind me. With a metal pipe in one hand, and a rubber duckie in the other. Luckily I jumped back and turned around.

"Mr. Quackers!" I sobbed.

"He has become one with me, America," said Russia, glowing like a black light or something.

"NOOOOOO!"

"You should too."

"Ugh, no!"

I was backed up against the wall as far as I could. Russia, unfortunately, was standing near the exit.

"I still want you to be my Quizno's napkin."

"IT'S _SUBWAY_, COMMIE!"

By the way, Russia was naked. Completely naked. And his cock? Do I even need to say it? I'm sure you're already picturing it hard. Nobody pictures flaccid penises. So yeah. It was hard.

Also I wanted to point out that he had the _hairiest balls _I had ever seen in my entire life. I actually stood and gawked in awe. Earlier I may have looked like I was squeezing a guinea pig between my legs before I shaved, but he looked like he had a damn Shih Tzu between his. No wait. A Komondor. Don't know what that is? Google Image that shit and get back to me. It's worth the joke. (If you appreciate good testicle humor, that is.) (I appreciate good testicle humor.)

"Dude," I said. "It's called manscaping. Maybe you should try it."

Russia didn't even react to my comment. Instead he was still smiling like a creeper as he held up Mr. Quackers. I gasped because I worried for my rubber friend. Then Russia tossed him on the floor behind me.

"If you want duck friend," he started. "Pick him up."

"Of course I w - HEEEEY! Wait a minute!" As soon as I turned around and started to bend over, I realized what he was trying to do. Gosh was he a trickster! "Oh no," I said, jumping back around. "I see what you did there!"

"So close," said Russia.

"I will admit, that was a pretty good try!"

"Hehe."

"A few more seconds and you would have gotten me, haha!"

"Hehe. You tease me!"

What the fuck. This dream did not make a damn bit of sense. I don't even have a rubber duck IRL. I play with toy plastic ships in the tub like a real man.

Then Russia was extra creepy.

"Let's shave each other," he said happily.

UGH. No thanks! My poor razor was no match for the shrubbery between his legs. Yes, _shrubbery_. That is the best word for it! Seriously. It'd be like sheering a sheep. I'd be like "Baa baa Russian sheep have you any wool?" And he'd be like "Yes sir, yes sir, three bags full." Haha, y'all remember that song from when you were a kid? What is that, like a nursery rhyme or something? Hell if I remember. But yeah. Russia had enough pubes for three bags full.

Then something happened. I'll tell you what it was. Have you ever been in bed, just starting to fall asleep, and suddenly you feel like you're falling and you startle awake? Okay, that's kind of what happened to me. Except I didn't wake up. I just had that jumpy feeling and fell onto the shower floor. On my stomach.

I think you know where this is going.

Because yeah. Russia was all over that.

I suddenly felt his body against my back. I tried to get up but I couldn't. It was like trying to push a brick wall off of me. So I tried to scurry away, but the floor was slippery and my arms and legs just kept sliding. I was being pinned down.

WELL THIS WAS NO GOOD.

I was still flopping around, trying to crawl away but sliding when I felt it. Something hard slide between my ass cheeks, back and forth, teasingly.

"You like?" asked Russia.

It was cold and I realized it was the metal pipe. Then I was like OH SNAP. That thing would tear me right open!

"Not really!" I replied.

He pulled the pipe away. Then I felt his hands spread me apart. I tried to squirm away again but it was impossible. Damn dreams and their implausibility …

I felt Russia's finger brush against my entrance. I shivered, bracing for the worst. His finger circled, teased at the skin there, but then pulled away. I wondered why he didn't put it in …

"You don't deserve to be prepared," he said darkly.

I glanced back. "You mean …?"

"Da."

"No lube either? !" I cried.

"Blood is lube," he said. Then he hesitated. "Mm - not very good lube though."

OH GOD. First off, how the hell did Russia know how well blood worked as lube? And secondly - WHAT THE HELL KIND OF NIGHTMARE WAS THIS? ! Russia was gonna rape me with a metal pipe! In the ass! With no preparation, lube, nothing! He was just gonna shove that thing right up inside me! Dear baby Jesus, that thing was thicker than a penis. I was going to be disemboweled.

HELLO ANAL PROLAPSE!

I felt one hand spread me, pulling apart my ass cheeks. The other had the pipe. The cold end pressed against my entrance. I was trembling like crazy. I felt it start to push in, carve its way inside me, and I felt a sharp, godawful pain that made me cry out.

Except … this was real pain. You can't feel pain in dreams. But I did. Like, IRL. I felt it.

But it wasn't in my ass. It was in my leg, and I screamed awake.

"AHHHH FUUUUUDGE CHARLIE HORSE!" I hollered.

Y'all ever get those things? I dunno why they're called Charlie horses. Seems like such a cute name for such a horrible pain. It's an intense, painful muscle spasm you get in your leg. It hurts so bad. It's like your leg muscle is being torn apart. Sorry to go all Wikipedia on you, I just thought you should know if you've been lucky enough not to have them!

I was squirming in my bed, writhing in pain. "Stupid Charlie horse!" I said, trying to stretch it out but giving up since it hurt so bad.

I just had to lie there and let it finish. When it was over, I could feel it being sore already, so I tried to be still.

"Ugghhhh …" I groaned.

My dog was snuggled up close to me in bed. So close it was like we were spooning.

"Oh my God," I said, petting him. "I just had the worst nightmare, Mr. Snuggles. I dreamed I went to the YMCA. Can you believe that? Everyone knows I go to American Family Fitness. It says 'American' right in the name, duh!"

"Woof?"

"Yeah, and then Russia tried to rape me in the showers with a pipe. Ugh. Can you believe that, Mr. Snuggles?"

Mr. Snuggles cuddled closer to me.

"Yeah, it was crazy. Thank God it was just a dream!"

It was then I realized that I don't have a dog.

No, it was Russia in my bed. And we were spooning. And I was petting him.

"- THE FUCK? !"

"Hehe," giggled Russia. "Good morning, America."

But there was no time for that show. Sorry, George Stephanopoulos . No, I reached over to my nightstand for my gun. It was time to bust a cap.

"Wait a minute …" I said. I'd left my gun right there beside my bed, propped up against the night stand. But when I looked there was nothing there but my night-night cup of water! "What did you do with Mr. Gunny? !"

"Hmm? I didn't do anything."

"YES YOU DID YOU BETTER NOT HAVE HURT HIM!"

GRRR! Mr. Gunny was my special friend! How dare Russia even _think_ about harming him!

"Tell me more about dream," said Russia.

I pushed Russia off of me. "Oh hell naw!" Then I scrambled to get off the bed. But I only took one step. Because as soon as my second foot hit the ground, I fell.

DAMN IT! I forgot about my Charlie horse! My leg was too sore and weak to support myself. I tried hopping on one leg but only got halfway across the room before Russia shoved me to the ground.

"You look so vulnerable," said Russia, pinning me down. "Like wounded baby bird or wilted flower or drugged Baltic."

Uh … what was that last one …?

He pressed me hard into the floor, crushing me with his weight. I felt cold - yes, _cold_, breath on my neck as he dug his fingers into me to keep me from moving.

"Become one with me, America," he said in a low, dark voice.

"N- HEY!" I was interrupted by Russia roughly pulling down my pajama pants. I tried to crawl away, but he held onto my pants, so I just crawled out of them instead.

GOSH DARN IT! Why did I have to sleep without underwear? :(

Because then my ass was bare. I didn't wear anything underneath those pajama pants.

"Oh, fudge sticks!" I exclaimed.

Russia was fiddling with his own pants. I heard the jingle of a belt and an unzip, and I knew that probably wasn't gonna lead to anywhere good.

And I was right. Russia caught up to me and pinned me down again, from behind. He let his weight press against my back. One arm hooked around my stomach and locked me into place. And I felt his erection, through his boxers or underwear or whatever it was, grinding against my bare ass.

"KOL KOL KOL…" I heard him say.

But joke's on him.

"LOL LOL LOL …" I replied.

He seemed confused. He froze for a moment, then continued grinding himself against me, sliding back and forth along my ass crack like in the dream.

"Russia …" I started.

"Hmm?"

"You are forgetting something very important."

"Oh? What's that?"

In a matter of seconds I turned around in his grasp, shoved him off of me, caught up to him on the floor, and pushed _him_ onto his stomach.

He looked very startled. So I gave him his damn reply.

"_I _won the Cold War … BITCH_."_

For all of Russia's creepiness and scariness, _I_ was the stronger of the two of us. He had disagreed with me years back but we settled that score. It was called the Cold War, for those of you who don't frequent school or Wikipedia. It was an arms race (which, sorry to disappoint, was not about actual body parts like arms racing one another.) Anyway, long story short, I won, and am officially the strongest, best, most greatest country evar. True story, it's all there on the Wickerpedia.

If Russia couldn't win the Cold War, why the hell did he expect to overpower me in my bedroom? Oh hell naw.

It didn't matter if I was temporarily handicapped in the leg. I was still more powerful than this vodka-sucking creep.

I straddled over him from behind, on my knees. "How could you forget who won?" I whispered. "I kicked your commie ass."

Russia tried to push me off, but there was no way. _I _was the one like a brick wall now. I have incredible super strength. Like Superman, but even stronger than that! And if I want to pin someone down, they're gonna get pinned down. There is no option. Struggle all you want, it's gonna happen. Because I'm the strongest in the world. Russia may be number two, but _I'm_ number one.

"And speaking of your commie ass …" I was tugging down his pants, already unzipped.

"No! Wait!" cried Russia. Oh, how rare a sound that was. "It not supposed to be this way!"

"Of course it is," I said. "I'm the most powerful nation. I top everyone. Pfft, what, you think I'm gonna take it from some backass Eastern European country that can't even put a man on the moon before me? Please."

I was so strong I could hold Russia down with one arm. All he could do was squirm, but it didn't matter. It was locked in place and he wasn't going anywhere. I can bench-press train cars. Like a boss. What the hell do you expect?

With my other arm, I gripped my flaccid penis.

"You made me have that nightmare," I said I started to stroke myself. "You're all up in my dreams like Freddy Krueger - except even creepier!"

"No," said Russia, still struggling under my arm. "You are paranoid."

"Paranoid? PARANOID? ! Really, _PARANOID?_ !" I was beating myself off faster, trying to get hard. "How could I _not _be when you're friggin' STALKING me? ! I know you got in my head somehow, made me have that effed up dream, you're that crazy!"

"Still so paranoid …" Russia sounded out of breath. He was still squirming under my arm, even though it was useless. "Just like during Cold War. You went crazy."

I'll admit it. I was getting a little frantic. I was pumping myself crazy fast, finally getting erect from the friction. "YOU GET OUT OF MY HEAD! RIGHT NOW!"

"So strange. So strange to see _powerful _America lose his cool." He said 'powerful' so mockingly, so creepily. It totally cheesed me off.

"Heh, yeah, well, the joke's on you." I pulled him closer with the arm wrapped around him, pulling so tight that I heard a small choking noise. "Because that dream just gave me ideas."

And then Russia bucked even harder.

I wanted to tease him, so I let him up. He started to stand, but I pulled him back on the floor. I rolled him over onto his back. I gripped him by his shoulders and slammed him hard onto the floor, like WHAM!

I straddled over him. I gripped hard at his shoulders, pressing with so much of my strength I was leaving instant bruises. He was trying to push back, trying to shove me off, but that was not gonna happen!

I sat back. Before he could get away, I grabbed his legs. And wrenched them apart. It took him by surprise, and he looked shocked, but whatever. _He_ was gonna do this to _me_. I have no sympathy!

My erection was starting to flag a bit (believe it or not, I wasn't getting off on this!) but when I grabbed it and tugged a couple pumps, it came back. I did my best to line it up, but was having a bit of trouble, what with Russia still struggling so much. I was holding him down with one hand on his chest then. The other was around my cock. I rooted around, trying to find the hole, since I couldn't see very well. But finally I did find it. And slammed myself in with one hard, fast thrust.

Yes, _dry. _With no preparation. I told you I got some ideas from that dream. I wanted it to hurt.

It was so tight it almost hurt _me _a little bit. Like an uncomfortable squeezing. But I pushed past that, pulled back, and penetrated him hard again.

Russia was writhing, trying so hard to push me off of him. He tried to swing a punch, but I badassly caught his fist with my hand. He tried again and I caught that one too.

It was quite the effort what with all that struggling, but I started a rhythm. I pushed down on him for leverage as I thrust in and out.

"Not supposed to be like this," Russia growled at me, his body being rocked by mine.

"Heh," I started. "In Soviet Russia, America rapes YOU!"

Yes, I just made a Yakov Smirnoff joke during rape. Whatever. Don't hate.

I was gettin' him pretty good. My pace had picked up. This wasn't your typical softcore porn vanilla average thrusting. This was hard, fast, deliberate, raw, intending to cause pain, not holding back my strength thrusting.

As I continued to fuck him hard into my floor, I glanced over. By my bed. On the floor beside my nightstand was Mr. Gunny. He was okay after all! He'd just fallen over.

I roughly pulled out. A frothy trail of _something_ - I dunno what exactly, but it had blood mixed in it - trailed off my cock. I crawled the few steps over and grabbed my precious gun.

"Mr. Gunny!" I said happily. "I was so worried about you!"

Russia was using this opportunity to try to stand up. I turned around and aimed Mr. Gunny square at his head. "Don't move."

He froze, but hesitantly. Like he was only _thinking _about listening to me.

I crawled back (I still couldn't really walk, you guys. Stupid Charlie horse) and sat up on my knees. I pointed the gun inches from his face and demanded, "Suck it."

Russia glared at me. But then I cocked the gun. And he changed his mind. He slowly, tentatively, wrapped his mouth around the end of the gun. I pushed it in a little farther. His eyes bulged but then he accepted it. I heard a slight sucking sound.

"Haha," I chuckled. "You like that, Mr. Gunny?"

I stood up. It was clumsy looking and I almost fell (and I'm pretty sure I said "oops" quietly enough that Russia couldn't here it) but I managed to do it by keeping all my weight on my good leg. "Yeah," I said, pushing the gun in farther. "Mr. Gunny likes that."

"Nmm." It was a sound of protest. But whatever.

"Shut up," I said as I gripped my cock again. "Were you gonna say I was paranoid again? I know you were! Don't say it! I'm not! God, I'm NOT!"

"Hmm," he slurred around the gun.

I started to beat myself off again. Tightly gripped, frenzied strokes with only the goal of climaxing. "I should have done this during the Cold War! Maybe it would have solved things quicker than just seeing who has stronger weapons!"

I abruptly pulled Mr. Gunny out of his mouth. And he could talk. "I surprised you didn't. I spied on you all the time back then."

"I KNEW IT." I gripped his chin roughly with my hand. "Thank baby Jesus I won."

Russia's eyes were widened. He was staring at my cock, now directly in front of his face.

"You should have known I would." I stroked myself frantically, right over his face. "I'm the United Fuckin' States of America, strongest, greatest, most best country in the world." And then, with a few more strokes I came, crying out, "CapitalISSSMM!" as I released on his face.

Russia grimaced as it hit him. A little even got in his eye. It was a couple spurts, then the white liquid started to drip down his face.

I slumped for a few moments, bent halfway over. Then I took a deep breath and aimed Mr. Gunny at him again. "Now get outta here."

Russia didn't get up. He crawled, no more like slithered, like a snake, out the door. As he did, I heard him lowly whisper, "I'll get you next time …"

I heard him make his way through the various rooms of my house until he was finally gone.

"There, there, Mr. Gunny," I said, stroking him. "I'm so sorry I got you involved in all this. I love you. I really do."

I looked up and there was my whale. Still staring at me like O_ _ _ _ _ _ _O

X

"You're ... you're kidding?"

Canada looked so shocked. Actually he looked shocked the entire time I told him this story. The exact same way I told it to you.

"You can't leave it there!"

I was munching on my sub. We were at Subway, getting ourselves some five, five dolla, five dolla foot looooongs~

"My God, please tell me you're joking!"

"Nope," I said, talking with my mouth full of delicious sub.

He was so shocked he hadn't even taken a bite of his own sub since I started this amazing tale. "You can't leave it there. That didn't happen … please say that didn't happen …"

"Mmm." My God was that sub delicious. "It happened."

"Change it!" cried Canada. "Change this horrible story! You had to have made this up - please end it differently!"

"But I didn't make it up. It's true facts."

"How … how could you …"

"Hey." I pointed to his sub. "You gonna eat that?"

Canada suddenly stood up, holding his stomach. "I feel sick. I'm going to the bathroom."

"Alright." I watched him leave and totally ate his sub. I mean, he said he was sick. I'm assuming he had the runs or something and normally people don't like to eat when they got the runs. Even if it is a five dollar footlong.

But then Canada never came back. I ate his chips too and he still didn't come back. I waited for like ever and finally was like PSSSH WHATEVER and left. What a dick. Abandoning me like that …

X

That night, I was so bored. I just sat around, pissing time away, glancing at the clock and wondering how it was still so early. Time goes by so slowly when you're not being stalked …

I wandered through the house, looking at hiding spaces, behind doors, in the attic, wherever Russia might be. But I didn't see him anywhere. It was so quiet.

"Oh no," I said, faking a concerned voice. "I'm going to the bathroom and totally taking off my pants! If someone wanted to see me naked, they would totally have an opportunity to right now!"

I pulled down my pants, leaving the bathroom door wide open. But there was no one watching me. Well, except my whale but whatever.

"Oh, wow, look!" I said, still faking it. "I need to take the band-aid off my balls! I sure am glad no one's here to creep on me and watch me do that!" I glanced around, but still no Russia. "Look, look, I'm doing it!" I slowly started to pull that band-aid. It hurt so bad! Tugging on each hair attached to such sensitive skin - OUCH. I had tears in my eyes. But I didn't have the balls - er, I mean, the guts - to yank it off all at once. "I'm totally doing this with the door wide open! Thank God no one is watching me~"

I looked around again. Still no Russia.

"Darn," I said with a sigh. "It's so boring not being stalked."

I finally pulled it off and threw it away. Then I was bored again. I wandered through my quiet house and finally I couldn't take it anymore. I called Russia's number.

"Hello?" said Russia's voice.

"YEAH IT'S ME!" I replied.

"Oh. Hello, America."

"GET ME HUH?" I taunted. "I thought you said you were gonna get me? Well, come on. GET ME ALREADY. BRING IT ON."

"Eh? I already got you, America."

"Yeah, you wi-"

"At Subways."

" - shhhh …" I trailed off.

"Not so strong today, hehe. I guess last night wore you out."

" … uh …"

"But I so happy to have my way this time. Then leave you covered in my juices with nothing to clean up with but Subway napkin."

" …. um …"

"But you used to that, hehe!"

Then I put two and two together. Thank you math. Canada looks like me … he didn't come back … Russia apparently raped _someone_ …

"Riiiiiight," I said.

"Hehe. You much quieter when on other end!"

"Um - yeeeeah. I- I'm just gonna hang up now …"

"I like part when you threw up-"

_CLICK._

I hung up. I stared at the phone. For a few minutes. Then I walked away, whistling a tune.

I'm just gonna look the other way on this one …

(The end!)


End file.
